


"No" means No

by aimée (annebenedicte)



Series: Cruel to be Kind [5]
Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 05:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15745233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annebenedicte/pseuds/aim%C3%A9e
Summary: A new take with twists and twitches on those 48 hours ... Serena manages to catch up with Bernie in the hall, but ...





	1. Chapter 1

« Will you wait for me ? …Yes?

\- No.”

And Bernie disengaged herself from Serena’s arms, gripped the handle of her suitcase and fled out of the hospital. She walked across the carpark and waited until she was at the other end to call a cab. She gave the driver the name of the hotel where she had booked a room and gulped several times, trying to keep the tears from falling. She didn’t quite succeed, and of course she didn’t have any tissues. When the driver turned around and proffered a pack, she gave him a wobbly smile before burying her face in one. She hated to be seen crying – tears were a luxury Major Berenice Wolfe couldn’t afford. Especially when she contemplated the magnitude of the task that laid before her. The new unit needed two trauma leads – and she had promised she would bring a second one with her. She had told the hospital board there was no need to search elsewhere – Serena Campbell would be a perfect fit. And now, not only was Serena breaking her heart, but she was making her go back on her word…

By the time the cab deposited her at the hotel, she had managed to check her tears and her voice, just a little deeper than usual, held almost no trace of her crying bout. Mortified by her breakdown, she left the driver a generous tip and strode into the hotel lobby. Once in the soulless room she had hoped never to see, exhaustion suddenly came crashing and she sat down heavily on the bed. She shrugged off her coat and finally let her sorrow take over completely, as she buried her head in the not too clean eiderdown and sobbed as if her heart would break.

When she sat up, the sun had gone down and dusk cast a gloomy glow in the room. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and noted wryly that each of her fifty-two years were showing on her ravaged face. Why would Serena want to go with her to god-forsaken Nairobi? Oh sure, Serena had asked her to wait …but it didn’t mean anything – she had lost her long ago. She had already waited five months …five months with little contact, precious few emails. She refused to be jealous of Jason…it was the natural order of things…but Serena had let her hope too much. What if she had had a change of heart? Someone had probably put her up to it – that scheming Fleur, probably – or maybe Donna…And Serena, not wanting to appear like the bad guy, had run after her. But it wasn’t fair – it wasn’t fair! She couldn’t put her life on hold anymore. Each time they said goodbye, her heart tore a little more, and soon she would have no heart left – only tatters. It would be easy for Serena – she would just get on with her life at Holby, watch Guinevere grow…and she would only have her job in Nairobi. Her life would be all work.

 

“No.” Serena had never thought a single syllable could hurt so much. Why did she listen to Fleur and Donna? She should have known Bernie wouldn’t want her back. During those five months, Bernie had been the one who had kept the relationship going. And Serena knew how hard it was for her lover to be demonstrative, even by email or by texts. All those messages she had given monosyllabic answers to, because she was afraid to tell Bernie the truth. Afraid to tell her that she would never be able to leave. That she needed her family more than she needed her partner. Even to her own ears that sounded cruel and callous, but she didn’t know how to make things better. When Bernie had produced the co-lead contract, it had felt like a prison sentence. She wanted Bernie, but she wanted Bernie in Holby with her.

“No.” She couldn’t believe it – the word had been worse than a slap. If Bernie had hit her, it would have felt better, because she would have been able to get angry. The deep sorrow she’d seen in her partner’s eyes prevented anger – it only tortured her a little more. Because she had no right to ask Bernie to wait for her, and yet she would only half-live without her. She thought about all the times she’d pushed her lover away – how she had slept with Robbie when Bernie had been in Ukraine…how she had behaved toward her after Eleanor’s death…how she had decided to go and travel to Asia instead of staying longer in Nairobi…how she had refused to go back to Kenya during the last five months, letting Bernie believe she would. She had even announced herself once … she had gone as far as buying the tickets …and then Greta hadn’t felt well, and she had been so afraid for the baby that she had cancelled her trip. Bernie had been very forgiving – by email anyway – but she knew it had been another stabbing wound in their relationship.

“No” …well, of course she would say no. What woman in her right mind would have said yes? After an exhausting ten hours-trip, Bernie had been greeted by a grumpy Serena…not even grumpy – on edge – who’d accused her of misdiagnosing Greta, of ambushing her with the contract, of bullying her into going with her to Kenya …And all she had done was to run after her and to plead pathetically for a second chance….in six months or a year. When Bernie had rejected her in the hallway, she had swallowed her feelings and gone back to the ward. She had operated with Xavier Duval on Greta, and she hadn’t said a word more than absolutely necessary during the whole procedure. And now she was holed up in her office, desperately wanting a drink, but unwilling to get out and to see her colleagues. Why did she have to promise Bernie that she would never keep alcohol in her office again? She had, however, stocked a substantial number of chocolate bars and packs of biscuits, and cut her stock almost in half in one go.

When someone knocked at the door, what she really wanted to say was “F**ck off”, but she managed an irritated “What??”. Ric didn’t wait for her to invite him inside and came to sit down at the other desk – the one Serena still thought of as “Bernie’s desk”.

“Ric …I guess if I asked you to go away …

\- I wouldn’t listen. You can’t get rid of me like that. Donna told me what happened.

\- She should learn to keep her mouth shut, then…”

Ric gave her a stern look: “So …what are you going to do now?

\- What do you want me to do? She doesn’t want me! What could be clearer than “no”?

\- Serena …remember when you first told me about Bernie?

\- Yes …I was very drunk that night …” Serena couldn’t help blushing as she had when she had first admitted that she was attracted to someone who was a work colleague…her age…and not a man.

“You were – but remember what you told me afterwards? About my own love life?”

Serena shook her head.

“You told me that if a person wasn’t worth winning over …if it was easy from the word go …if there were no obstacles …then it wasn’t the right one…

\- Oh yes … Golly! I must have been even more drunk than I thought…

\- You were drunk too when you told me Bernie was the greatest trauma surgeon in the world, and that her lips tasted like chocolate and honeycomb…”

Another day, Serena would have punched Ric in the shoulder, but she was too sad to react: “So? Your point is?

\- Go after her, Serena! Not just down the hall – find her, and get her back!

\-  How do I do that exactly? She’s switched her phone off, and I don’t know where she’s staying. There must be at least fifty hotels here in Holby!

\- Only 22.” At Serena’s raised eyebrows, Ric grinned sheepishly: “I might have gone on a similar quest not so long ago.” He typed a few words on her computer and the list appeared on screen: “Get phoning!”


	2. Chapter 2

She hadn’t told the kids she was coming…Anyway, Cameron wasn’t back in England, and Charlotte had steadily ignored all her attempts at contact. So she would have forty-eight hours in Holby …for what? She had an appointment with her solicitor the next morning, but after that …she had planned a Serena-filled schedule. Beginning by brunch and ending … Not that she’d thought Serena would be able to shrug off work entirely, but she hadn’t planned on being alone in a hotel room. As she tried to fill the sleepless hours with a book, her mind kept going back to the past year and a half. Especially to the time she’d left for Ukraine. When Serena had begged her to stay and she’d flown. When she’d been the one not answering the emails. Was she punishing Serena for something she had done herself? Her rational mind told her it wasn’t the same – their relationship hadn’t been a “thing” then …so not a thing that Serena had found solace in Robbie’s arms. She went through several phases during the night …from feeling terribly guilty and accusing herself of having been cruel to feeling angry all over again – because Serena was the one who was reneging on her word.

She finally gave up on the idea of sleeping and got up. She felt grimy and rumpled. It wasn’t the first time she’d slept in her clothes – or at least spent the night in them – but the other times had been in her previous life – her army life. She opened her suitcase to take out a clean shirt and her eyes fell on a batik-wrapped parcel. The batik was for Serena, but she had chosen the contents for them both in mind …real Masai leather …

 Those months of silence had felt like an undeserved punishment, much worse than any physical chastisement. She gave the impression of being strong, of liking to be in charge …she did, in a way – but she also liked rules, and sometimes, when the burden of command became too heavy, she craved release. Serena had understood, and with time, they had built a strong trust bond and she had been able to give up control. She found it empowering to know that there would be limits …that the truth would bring consequences…that she could transgress the rules and still be safe. She missed that – each time she behaved recklessly, she imagined …

 

After two phone calls, Serena understood that she was doing it all wrong. If she asked if they had a Ms Wolfe staying, the hotel receptionists answered that they were not at liberty to say. So she changed her tactics, and asked to speak to Ms Wolfe, saying that she’d left her briefcase at the hospital. At least then she got polite answers – we don’t have a Ms Wolfe staying here, you must have the wrong hotel. Around 11.30, she’d phoned all 22 hotels, and hadn’t found the object of her quest. Too exhausted to drive home, she went to check on baby Guinevere and tried to catch a few hours of sleep in one of the on-call rooms. She was out of ideas – they hadn’t had time to talk properly, and she didn’t know anything about Bernie’s plans. And yet, she couldn’t let her go …not like this…She was ready to beg if she had to. At 7.00, she got up wearily and headed for the showers. She usually cursed the unreliability of the hospital’s plumbing, but this time the cold water was almost welcome – it helped her feel almost human again.


	3. Chapter 3

Her solicitor’s office was less than a mile from the hotel – the reason why she’d chosen it in the first place – and Bernie decided to walk there. The small suburban village, only a few miles from the centre of Holby was still deserted that morning, and she felt a little better after her brisk walk. Once she had completed all the necessary paperwork for the sale of her house, she considered going back to the hotel and just staying in her room until it was time to leave for the airport. However, she had promised to bring back a few things for her colleagues, and for that she needed to find a Boots and a supermarket. Reluctantly, she called a cab and asked the driver to drop her off in Holby city centre. Hoping fervently she wouldn’t run into anyone she knew, she dived in the nearest coffee shop for a caffeine shot. Too unsettled to sit down, she bought the coffee to go, and she was walking down the main street with her cup in one hand and her phone in another when she heard a familiar voice: “Auntie Bernie! I thought you’d gone back to Nairobi – Auntie Serena said so.

  * Jason! Err…Yes …well, I’m going back – not today, tomorrow.
  * You don’t look well – you look ill. Are you ill?
  * I’m fine, really. How are Greta and the baby?
  * They are fine too. I’m glad you’re not ill – because you couldn’t see Guinevere if you were. But now you can come with me and see her.”



Bernie bit her lips – she was very fond of Jason and she really didn’t want to disappoint him, but if she went with him, she ran the risk of running into Serena, and she didn’t think she could face her again. However, the hospital was big …Maybe she could just nip in and out…After all, she had done nothing wrong and she had no reasons to hide. Surely Serena would be in theatre or in a meeting …

“All right – I’ll come with you – but I can’t stay long.”

 

When Ric saw Bernie come out of the maternity ward, he couldn’t believe she was the same woman who’d fallen on his neck the day before. From the blonde’s dejected posture and the deep dark shadows under her eyes, he understood that Serena hadn’t managed to find her and make amends. He would have loved to knock their heads together – as if they hadn’t both suffered enough!  Walking deep in her thoughts, she didn’t notice him and started when he put a hand on her arm.

“Ric! I didn’t see you…

\- That’s rather obvious. Well, now you’re here…how about going for a drink? Yesterday, you promised me time to catch up.

-  I know …I’m sorry …things …didn’t go as planned.

\- Come on, then!”

Against her best instincts, she let herself be led out to Albies’. It was as usual nearly empty in the middle of the day, and they found a quiet corner not too close to the bar. Ric got up to fetch the drinks and Bernie didn’t see him slip a note to the bartender. After he came back with the glasses of wine, he engaged her in talk about the new unit, and she tried her best to focus on his questions. As she always liked to talk shop with someone who was able to understand the technical aspects of her job, she was soon engrossed in her topic. So much, in fact, that she didn’t notice Serena until she was standing in front of their table. When she did, she turned eyes full of pain and reproach towards Ric: “How could you?

\- I had to do something! Couldn’t see you two tear each other to pieces and do nothing. My turn to quote back at you, Bernie Wolfe. Remember? “It ain't how hard you hit…It's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” Emphasis on the last part …You two are at a standstill right now – you need to keep moving!”

On that, he stood up and left the two women facing each other. Serena sat down in his place, taking it as a good sign that although Bernie wasn’t looking at her, she at least hadn’t left. She didn’t know what to do – when the bartender had phoned her and given her Ric’s message, she hadn’t thought – she’d just come. But now …

“Bernie …please…say something…please?

\- I can’t …I can’t do that all over again – it hurts to much. I want to stop loving you …and I can’t – it’s too hard – you’re making it too hard. Just let me go. Please.

\- I don’t want to let you go – I want you with me – I love you, Bernie.

\- You’ve got to be joking! You want to be with me, and you ask me to wait. That won’t work, Serena, I’m sorry!”

All the hurt and anger of the past day came back to her, and Bernie reddened with rage: “You can’t do that to me! That’s not love …that’s …blackmail! Just stay in your nice little cosy life and leave me alone!”

Bernie stood up suddenly and pushing back her chair, she strode away. She didn’t manage to reach the door. She felt her sight go blurry and her head began spinning. She quickly sat down in the nearest chair. The room seemed to be getting hotter and hotter and the world went black. Her heart rate soared, her breathing went shallow and her brain began to pulse. She just had time to lean forward before throwing up on the floor, a thin trickle of burning bile.  

When she came to, Serena was half-crouching besides her, stroking her forehead. When the floor stopped moving, Bernie got up gingerly and accepted Serena’s arm to lean on. In the loo, she washed her mouth with water and caught Serena’s stern glance in the mirror:

“What happened in there, Ms Wolfe?

\- Nothing. I’m okay. I just …Didn’t have much to eat for …”

Actually, Bernie couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten… Just before leaving for Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, she had been in a meeting …a long meeting…about four hours. She hadn’t fancied the shrivelled up sandwiches, and she’d planned on getting something to eat at the airport. Only the meeting had run late, and she’d caught the plane by the skin of her teeth…then, she’d been asleep during the flight…and she’d come straight to Holby, intending on taking Serena to brunch. Only instead of brunch, she’d gone straight into theatre …and …and the night before she’d been too miserable to eat…

“For two days” she finished in a small voice. And suddenly, she couldn’t take anymore…She threw herself into Serena’s arm, and the very romantic white-tiled, neon-lit loo echoed with “I’m sorry’’s from both of them.

“I’m taking you home, darling – we still have a day and a half. Let’s make the most of it…

\- Can we get my suitcase first?” 

During the drive to Bernie’s hotel, the two women stayed mostly silent. Bernie was exhausted by the sleepless night and still a little queasy, and Serena was afraid to say the wrong thing again. Knowing she had had little time for food shopping lately, she insisted on stopping at a little organic bakery to buy bread and Danish pastries for her lover. Bernie remained in the car and thought about the contents of her suitcase. Would it work? Would Serena want to …It had been so long…Maybe she should forget all about it – for once, she didn’t feel as if she was the guilty one…Or maybe they could just play with it. From the size of the shop and the number of customers queuing, she decided she had time to take one or two quick puffs before Serena’s return. She got out of the car and lit up. After the first puff, she knew it was a bad idea, as the acrid smoke burnt her already fragilized throat. After three, she saw Serena emerge from the shop, and considered stamping it out. However, her body craved the punishing sensation of the nicotine invading her mouth and lungs, and she braved it out, throwing it to the ground only as Serena opened the driver’s door. She went back sheepishly into the car, wondering if she had torn another breach into the already fragile peace.

“I hope you’ve got toothpaste in that suitcase of yours…” the tone was acerbic, the words deceptively innocent sounding. Serena was mad at her…

Once they arrived at Serena’s house, Bernie obediently took her suitcase upstairs and went to brush her teeth, a somewhat futile endeavour before eating, but an attempt to placate Serena. If she gave her the gift she had planned, she didn’t want her partner in a rage – and they had been on such an emotional roller-coaster the day before that the entente cordiale was still fragile…

She came down holding her gift and deposited it on the dresser before joining Serena at the kitchen table. She didn’t have much appetite – in addition to being sick earlier on and the taste of the cigarette, when she didn’t eat for some time, she didn’t really feel hungry anymore. It was nearly dinner time, however, and she knew Serena wouldn’t agree to let her fast any longer, so she forced down half a bowl of soup and one of the two salmon steaks Serena had popped into the Aga while she was in the bathroom. They shared the pastries as they used to do before – Bernie’s favourite was the cinnamon-filled snail, and Serena favoured the pastry case filled with marzipan and custard. When Serena fed her the glazed cherry from one of the pastries, Bernie knew she was at least partially forgiven for the cigarette.

After dinner, they settled on the sofa with tea and a box of chocolates, neither of them ready to go to bed, and yet both reluctant to address the elephant in the room. The easy routine in which they had fallen before Bernie’s departure seemed somehow inappropriate, but words eluded them. The knots in Bernie’s stomach gave no sign of loosening and Serena was methodically demolishing the top layer of the chocolate box. Bernie’s head fell on Serena’s shoulder and she attempted to relax, but to no avail. From the corner of her eye she could see the parcel on the dresser, which Serena either hadn’t noticed or was ignoring purposely. Would it make things better? It had always helped before…both of them. Serena was the one person who made her feel secure enough to let go …to submit. Not that their love life in vanilla lacked let anything to be desired. It just added something – security…trust …intimacy.

Serena finally noticed Bernie was staring at the top of the dresser and she saw the little coloured bundle. It looked like a scarf. She wondered if they were on the same wavelength. If they were… Maybe as a blindfold? They had never indulged in that, but why not?

“Inside…”

Inside? Her curiosity got the better of her and Serena gently dislodged Bernie’s head from her shoulder, stood up and came back on the couch with the parcel. Bernie had made a mess with the string, and it took Serena a minute to open it. When she saw the contents, she sat up and looked into her partner’s eyes. They had agreed that a verbal consent was necessary…

“Bernie …are you sure?

\- Real Masai leather – not sure how they think people use it, but …and yes …I’m sure …I need it.

\- But you’re tired, darling …and you’ve been sick…and …

\- Serena… Ms Campbell, just do it, for God’s sake! Go gently at the beginning, will you?

\- Are you trying to give me orders, Major? You know how poorly I take to that. And swearing too… Get undressed …now!

\- Sorry, Ma’am.”

Grinning sheepishly, Bernie took off the yoga pants she’d changed into when they’d arrived at Serena’s and hesitated.

“What are you waiting for, Berenice? I want you naked and on that sofa.”

Feeling a familiar and yet almost forgotten sensation invade her body, Bernie quickly shrugged of her t-shirt and arranged herself on the sofa, arms crossed under her head on the arm rest and her body on Serena’s lap. Only her panties remained, comfortable cotton ones she favoured when she was travelling.

The small leather paddle fit easily in Serena’s hand and she began by running it down her lover’s spine, sending shivers down Bernie’s back. Then she flicked her wrist, aiming at the shoulders and upper arms, giving no real force to the blows. Jolts of electricity coursed through Bernie’s body and she concentrated on them, trying to forget her awkward position. Then the paddle went lower, caressing , twitching, feather-like…When it reached the top of her panties, it stopped and she felt slip under, then fingers tugging at the cotton and she wriggled obediently, letting them slide down her legs.

Serena could feel the tension in Bernie’s body and hoped she was doing the right thing. She sensed no resistance, but she didn’t get the usual response either. Her partner’s silence and near stillness unnerved her. After a few light smacks on the buttocks, she increased the strength, and saw the skin redden accordingly. Heat and welcome pain spreading in her lower body, Bernie finally began to moan and squirm. Getting a firm hold on her partner’s body to stop her from moving, Serena went on flicking the paddle, aiming lower and higher, spreading the redness and the sting, careful to avoid bruises. Gritting her teeth, Bernie tensed even more, resisting the assault, reluctant to yield.  Not yet …she couldn’t …Pinned under her head, her hands were no help and the loss of control was overwhelming… She groaned – the tickles, the pain, the  moisture between her legs…she wasn’t ready to give in…it was too much, it had been too long… Her body twitched and writhed, which only lead to more heat and more pain. Some of the blows reached her most sensitive parts, the well-hidden ones, and she arched her back in response to the agony. The edging drew on her last reserves, she could feel the climax coming…Finally she pleaded: “No…please…no… I can’t …Noo”. Serena immediately stopped and throwing the paddle away, took her lover in her arms: “I’m sorry, darling, I shouldn’t have – I’m sorry – it’s all over now…”

Bernie gasped: “Noo…I mean … No, please... don’t stop! No!”  Serena’s worried expression morphed into a grin and her hands and fingers completed their task…

Later on, as they laid entwined in bed, Bernie murmured: “So? Did you like my gift?

\- No.

\- No ?? Really?

\- No, I didn’t like it, darling – I loved it!”

A few minutes later, Serena contemplated the sleeping woman besides her and gently running her hand into the blonde hair, marvelled at Bernie’s uncanny ability to fall asleep in seconds when she was relaxed. She murmured: “I loved it …and I love you…”


End file.
